Connection Interrupted

My friend killed herself yesterday and the last thing we did together was play Iron Grip: Warlord.

Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe the last thing we did was talk over Steam, her saying I can’t take it anymore and I’ve ruined everything and you remember when I tried to kill myself last year? while I sat, helpless with the distance of 378 miles, and sent back have you called the helpline? and it’ll be okay and *hugs*. But what I remember is Iron Grip: Warlord.

She was a generous player, quick to build and quick to mend, and I loved being alongside her as waves of enemies scrambled up the bridge; just me, my boyfriend and her against the odds. I thought playing with us would make her happier and I think I was right. I hoped it might help her and I was wrong.

You can’t fix depression with three victories and a retry, I knew that. You can’t even fix loneliness. But I wanted it to. I wanted it to chase away her shadows long enough for the helpline to be dialled, the call to be answered. I told my boyfriend yesterday that I hoped we were doing her some good, before I woke up this morning, before I opened my email and found out she was dead. Maybe she was dead when I said it.

I haven’t opened Iron Grip: Warlord today and I’m not sure when I will. There’s a hole in my team. There’s a hole in my team, ZP, and you’re not there.

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5 thoughts on “Connection Interrupted

    • I’m holding up okay! Got people around me who understand and provide emotional support. It is so, SO kind of you to come back and check on me, and it makes the world a hell of a lot brighter. Thank you.

      • I lost a friend when I was in high school couple of years back, so I kinda get what you could be going thru. Plus we gamers need to stick together, heaven knows we’ll probably be the only ones that survive if ever there’s a zombie apocalypse ;-p.
        Glad you’re hanging in there.

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